I have posted lots of blogs and most are up beat. But let's get real. Life isn't always up beat. Not that my life is bad nor that it is not great, but there are times where I struggle. In the past year I have been brutally honest with myself and took a hard look at where I needed to be and to be honest, I have struggled with it. Financially, emotionally, physically and spirtually. However, I am coming around a curve and I see this beautiful light at the end of where I want to go, but there are hills and right now, I am still struggling spirtually.
I was born and raised in church and when I went to college I attended church but not like I should have been and was no where close to where I needed to be in my faith. I struggled and saw the light after my son was born and began the journey to where I should have been. Along the way, I lost sight again. As a family we had trials and I was working on trying to put our life as a family in God's hands. Wow, talk about a test of my faith. I struggled then and struggled for a long time after. Then another chapter in our life began. I started putting God back into my life with me and the kids and really started digging deep. I have really started talking to God and asking for his help. I have seen his answers and proof that God has been working in my life. Believe me, I know and thank him daily for my beautiful, healthy kids, my amazing and loving family. I am healthy enough to work 2 jobs to provide for my family and have been fortunate enough to have a house that keeps us warm and shelter from the storms. My attitude on life has changed. I ask for help in being a more positive role model for my kids and be the best possible mother for them. Believe me when I say, I know God is working in me, because I'm not as stressed out as I used to be and the kids see me laugh, which used to not happen too often, but now is a daily occurence.
I say that to say, that when I am struggling spirtually it is because of my relationships with others. It is how many times do I continue to turn my other cheek just to have it happen again? How many times do I continue to forgive or at some point do I completly walk away? I know He instructs us to forgive but I question if I am a fool for continuing to forgive and turn the other cheek? I feel like the people I forgive think it's ok to continue to do the things they do and expect me to forgive them because I have done so in the past or I have turned the other cheek.
I also struggle with casting all my worries on Him because I feel some of my worries are no where near as important as a little boy who is fighting for his life. Or for the mother who wishes for a child. I feel like I am being so selfish for worrying and asking for help when there are others struggling more than I am. I have prayed and am continuing to pray and asking for guidance. I have faith that one day I won't be struggling with this and I know that, but it seems to be what I struggle with the most.
But I am not taking for granted the beautiful life he has provided for me and thank Him for ALL the amazing blessings in my life.
2 days ago